Monday, November 25, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Abba, I belong to You!
A month ago, I asked God to break me. I wanted to test my faith. I desired to be stretched for Christ. I was sick and tired of reading about people in the Bible who died, cried, and gave up literally everything for the same God that I talked about and lived for so casually. And God being the God He is, did just that. He stretched me, broke me, and ripped my heart wide open. It happened so fast that I was unable to process what was happening.
From two failed history tests, three late papers, and a D in history, to a speeding ticket and insomnia kicking back in, I began to feel completely and utterly hopeless. In my immediate anger, I released everything I could on my parents, friends, siblings, and myself. And Some people always point to girls when the word insecurity arises, but man.... I don't think I have ever felt so insecure about what people thought about me. I told myself everyday how dumb I was, how awkward I was, and how I would never come up to the standards I assumed my parents set for me. I created so many unreal scenarios inside my head that caused me to forget who the true healer of all pains, worries, and trials was. My Abba.
I believe God allowed the world around me to seem caved in so that I would run back into His arms. Truth is, Him and I both knew I was growing distant. I became so infatuated with serving others that I forgot to make time to let My Daddy hold me. I started out with this huge bucket of water and I was to stubborn to realize that my once full to the brim basin was now dried out. I needed to be replenished.
On Wednesday, I walked into my first worship service in weeks. I came in carrying all of my baggage and as the music began to play, my back grew heavier and heavier. I want to seem strong. I want to seem like I have this life figured out. I want to be able to have it all together. I don't want to be this failure who can't carry his own weight, but what I had forgotten to realize is that some of this weight isn't mine to carry. If it was then there would be no reason to have God look His only son in the eyes and say, "I want you to die for these children.... For my children."
As the music made its way into my heart the spirit caused me to fall on my knees. Never in my entire life have I fallen to my knees. I have raised my hands, cried my eyes out, and shouted out His name on the top of my lungs, but never have my legs bent and crumbled under me. Well, on that day of worship my whole body grew weary. It was time to just surrender. It was time to let go and have my Poppa hold me again.
God broke me. He tore me open. And if that's what it takes to get me to notice that my Father is never ever ever going to let me take on this world alone, then I ask that it happens over and over again.
" I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. " - John 16:33
" Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. " - Matthew 11:28
From two failed history tests, three late papers, and a D in history, to a speeding ticket and insomnia kicking back in, I began to feel completely and utterly hopeless. In my immediate anger, I released everything I could on my parents, friends, siblings, and myself. And Some people always point to girls when the word insecurity arises, but man.... I don't think I have ever felt so insecure about what people thought about me. I told myself everyday how dumb I was, how awkward I was, and how I would never come up to the standards I assumed my parents set for me. I created so many unreal scenarios inside my head that caused me to forget who the true healer of all pains, worries, and trials was. My Abba.
I believe God allowed the world around me to seem caved in so that I would run back into His arms. Truth is, Him and I both knew I was growing distant. I became so infatuated with serving others that I forgot to make time to let My Daddy hold me. I started out with this huge bucket of water and I was to stubborn to realize that my once full to the brim basin was now dried out. I needed to be replenished.
On Wednesday, I walked into my first worship service in weeks. I came in carrying all of my baggage and as the music began to play, my back grew heavier and heavier. I want to seem strong. I want to seem like I have this life figured out. I want to be able to have it all together. I don't want to be this failure who can't carry his own weight, but what I had forgotten to realize is that some of this weight isn't mine to carry. If it was then there would be no reason to have God look His only son in the eyes and say, "I want you to die for these children.... For my children."
As the music made its way into my heart the spirit caused me to fall on my knees. Never in my entire life have I fallen to my knees. I have raised my hands, cried my eyes out, and shouted out His name on the top of my lungs, but never have my legs bent and crumbled under me. Well, on that day of worship my whole body grew weary. It was time to just surrender. It was time to let go and have my Poppa hold me again.
God broke me. He tore me open. And if that's what it takes to get me to notice that my Father is never ever ever going to let me take on this world alone, then I ask that it happens over and over again.
" I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. " - John 16:33
" Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. " - Matthew 11:28
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Big Brother
When I was little, my father told me to always look after my sister. From that moment on I did just that. When she would ride her bike, I rode behind her. From the moment We started a new school until she graduated, I made sure she was okay everyday and that no one could hurt her. It was as if I had a job to do and that was to watch after one of the most important beings in my entire life. Well, now as she is off to college, she will be searching eventually for a man to take my place. So my job should be over..... It's not.
5 years ago, me and my family began a process that is still roughly happening. And that decision we made was adoption. 2 years passed and we finally got the name. Amrita. Not too long after that we received our first picture. Her eyes and smile stuck out to me more than anything. As I looked at her, I began to discover who would soon take the position of my now grown up sister. This little 3 year old bundle of happiness would soon be in my arms, but there is a problem. We keep having to wait as our missing family member is all the way across the world in India, The mother to prostitution and sex slavery. It is also home to the often practiced religion called Hinduism.
I used to pray that we would get her home so that she could be ours, but it has become a battle within my heart because I now long for her to know that she is God's. Her hair has to be kept short so no men take her away and place her into brothels. She is being forced to wear ritual clothing and participate in the worship of the Hindu gods. We were strictly told to not share with anyone what religion we practice because she would be taken away from us. Do you know how hard it is to get on skype with her and not be able to tell her how much Jesus loves her? I now am starting to realize that at this moment, I can't protect her like I did with my older sister. I can't stand in the corner as she goes about her day. I can't protect her from boys and men who hunger to take her body. This is not my job. It has become solely Gods.
I have had to come to terms that God created her, placed her where she is, and also placed her in our life for a reason. I do not know this reason right now, but it is not my job to search for answers. My job is however to love and trust God through this. My sister may be in a country that is ready to steal, kill, and destroy, but I worship a God who has been holding her in His arms since she drew her first breath. All me and my family have to do is wait and pray as this long process of adoption continues. I always need to be reminded how scripture tells us that we will have troubles, and pains, and hardships, but to be in peace and not worry for God has overcome all of this. And not only has he overcome what lies within the world, but He has overcome the world entirely!
my beautiful Amrita
5 years ago, me and my family began a process that is still roughly happening. And that decision we made was adoption. 2 years passed and we finally got the name. Amrita. Not too long after that we received our first picture. Her eyes and smile stuck out to me more than anything. As I looked at her, I began to discover who would soon take the position of my now grown up sister. This little 3 year old bundle of happiness would soon be in my arms, but there is a problem. We keep having to wait as our missing family member is all the way across the world in India, The mother to prostitution and sex slavery. It is also home to the often practiced religion called Hinduism.
I used to pray that we would get her home so that she could be ours, but it has become a battle within my heart because I now long for her to know that she is God's. Her hair has to be kept short so no men take her away and place her into brothels. She is being forced to wear ritual clothing and participate in the worship of the Hindu gods. We were strictly told to not share with anyone what religion we practice because she would be taken away from us. Do you know how hard it is to get on skype with her and not be able to tell her how much Jesus loves her? I now am starting to realize that at this moment, I can't protect her like I did with my older sister. I can't stand in the corner as she goes about her day. I can't protect her from boys and men who hunger to take her body. This is not my job. It has become solely Gods.
I have had to come to terms that God created her, placed her where she is, and also placed her in our life for a reason. I do not know this reason right now, but it is not my job to search for answers. My job is however to love and trust God through this. My sister may be in a country that is ready to steal, kill, and destroy, but I worship a God who has been holding her in His arms since she drew her first breath. All me and my family have to do is wait and pray as this long process of adoption continues. I always need to be reminded how scripture tells us that we will have troubles, and pains, and hardships, but to be in peace and not worry for God has overcome all of this. And not only has he overcome what lies within the world, but He has overcome the world entirely!
my beautiful AmritaThursday, September 26, 2013
Dancing in a storm
Everyday is a struggle. I would be lying if I said that it isn't. Once you have crossed over into a place that is deprived of a father's love and suddenly are the source of a child's hunger for someone to hold them, love them, and comfort them, things are never the same. I think about each of my boys everyday. I miss their laughter, their touch, and even their heartbeats against my chest. And most importantly, I miss sitting down with them and witnessing to them about a God who has them held against His chest everyday and has memorized every detail about how their heart functions. I also need to remember that God knows the same about me.
This pain has taken away the realization that God has the same type of pain. He looks at me, you, and hurts every minute knowing that we will face temptation, hurt, agonizing heartbreak, and sadness. He wants us so badly to be home and in His arms, but He has placed his children on this earth for a very important reason. You see, on the road to a perfect life in Him, we got lost and some of us still haven't found our way back to Him. He called me here so that due to the fact that I know and love a God who gave everything to be in relationship with me, I need to make it known among the broken and the tired and those who have become downcast that He has not abandoned them!! He wants them more than anything! He longs just for them to see His face again.
THAT is why I am here. THAT is why I have sacrificed college! THAT is why I have sacrificed a future social life. THAT is why I have sacrificed the ability to have a worldly success, a future opportunity to have a high paying job, and the American dream that everyone so longs for. Because He died for me, I shall live for Him until I give out my last breath within this earth. Proverbs 13:7 says, "There is one who makes himself rich, yet has nothing. And one who makes himself poor, yet has great riches."
I did not waste 16 years of my life only to waste another. A life indulged in Christ does not begin when you enter adulthood. It does not begin when everyone thinks you have it all together. It doesn't begin when you receive a college degree or get married or have your first child. A new life in Christ begins the moment you surrender your life unto His! That is the whole point of becoming a Christian and getting baptized! Once you have accepted Christ into your life, it is time to get other people to do the same. Once you have become aware that you yourself will see God in heaven, that is the very moment where you take the broken road to save others from falling down.
So yes, everyday is a struggle. But is a struggle worth fighting through. Every time I wake up and know that I am not awaking to the laughter of my kids, I endure the heartache simply because I haven't traveled so far to fall. Everyday that I am told that what I am doing isn't right, I fight against temptation to prove that This is the one battle I refuse to lose. Every moment Satan tries to let anger and depression linger into my thoughts, I rebuke his name for the sole purpose to show that my God is greater and is carrying me all the way through this. Every trial! Every obstacle! Every single freaking mountain is SO WORTH IT because THIS IS WHAT GOD HAS CALLED ME TO DO!!!!! I praise Him in this storm so that one day I can teach my kids back in the Dominican how to dance in a hurricane that is using all its might to tear their walls down.
This pain has taken away the realization that God has the same type of pain. He looks at me, you, and hurts every minute knowing that we will face temptation, hurt, agonizing heartbreak, and sadness. He wants us so badly to be home and in His arms, but He has placed his children on this earth for a very important reason. You see, on the road to a perfect life in Him, we got lost and some of us still haven't found our way back to Him. He called me here so that due to the fact that I know and love a God who gave everything to be in relationship with me, I need to make it known among the broken and the tired and those who have become downcast that He has not abandoned them!! He wants them more than anything! He longs just for them to see His face again.
THAT is why I am here. THAT is why I have sacrificed college! THAT is why I have sacrificed a future social life. THAT is why I have sacrificed the ability to have a worldly success, a future opportunity to have a high paying job, and the American dream that everyone so longs for. Because He died for me, I shall live for Him until I give out my last breath within this earth. Proverbs 13:7 says, "There is one who makes himself rich, yet has nothing. And one who makes himself poor, yet has great riches."
I did not waste 16 years of my life only to waste another. A life indulged in Christ does not begin when you enter adulthood. It does not begin when everyone thinks you have it all together. It doesn't begin when you receive a college degree or get married or have your first child. A new life in Christ begins the moment you surrender your life unto His! That is the whole point of becoming a Christian and getting baptized! Once you have accepted Christ into your life, it is time to get other people to do the same. Once you have become aware that you yourself will see God in heaven, that is the very moment where you take the broken road to save others from falling down.
So yes, everyday is a struggle. But is a struggle worth fighting through. Every time I wake up and know that I am not awaking to the laughter of my kids, I endure the heartache simply because I haven't traveled so far to fall. Everyday that I am told that what I am doing isn't right, I fight against temptation to prove that This is the one battle I refuse to lose. Every moment Satan tries to let anger and depression linger into my thoughts, I rebuke his name for the sole purpose to show that my God is greater and is carrying me all the way through this. Every trial! Every obstacle! Every single freaking mountain is SO WORTH IT because THIS IS WHAT GOD HAS CALLED ME TO DO!!!!! I praise Him in this storm so that one day I can teach my kids back in the Dominican how to dance in a hurricane that is using all its might to tear their walls down.
Monday, September 9, 2013
You called me out upon the waters
I dream about them when I am asleep. I dream about them when I am awake. I see them while watching children at my school and church run and play. I see them when I am listening to music that talks about going out and reaching the lost. I see them every...single...day. But the thing is, I can't walk with them. I can't hug them, kiss them on the forehead, read the Bible to them, laugh with them, or run with them. I can't see their face, hear their voice, or feel their warmth as they jump into my arms. And I miss them deeply. I would give anything at this point to even hear the voice of my boys.
It has been one month and 9 days since I have returned from the Dominican Republic , and it has felt like years to me. Although I could sit in my own pile of misery, I however will use this longing to minister to children as fuel to reach the ones that live around me. Life since my return has been anything but a walk in the park! I have been busily working to begin a movement within my own town. I am now a student leader at my school that helps guide others by being an example of Christ. I am a helper at my church's children's ministry and I also have begun a ministry organization called, "Hope Missions Ministries". It will eventually become a non profit, but for right now me and a group of peers are leading it by going out and ministering to those in the Nashville area. So, as you can tell, I have not even thought of resting since my return. I want to be so in love with God that it literally takes the breath out of me.
I know that at this moment, I will not let Satan gain control. He knows my heart for missions across the waters and will do anything in his power to ruin it for me. So instead of bowing to the evil one and wallowing in sadness while I am home, I will take this opportunity to take my bucket to the waters edge and be filled up by Christ so that when I go back (in 5 months) to my home, I will have enough of God to fill the hearts of those who are broken. Just because I left my heart in the Dominican, doesn't mean I left my God. He is my everything! He is my right now, my today, my tonight, my tomorrow, MY LIFE! And I will not fall, I will not collapse! I will not submit to failure or to doubt, or to depression for my God is so much bigger than that! He has a will and plan for my life and I need time to be filled up so that I may take my bucket full of water and distribute it to those who have become thirsty.
It has been one month and 9 days since I have returned from the Dominican Republic , and it has felt like years to me. Although I could sit in my own pile of misery, I however will use this longing to minister to children as fuel to reach the ones that live around me. Life since my return has been anything but a walk in the park! I have been busily working to begin a movement within my own town. I am now a student leader at my school that helps guide others by being an example of Christ. I am a helper at my church's children's ministry and I also have begun a ministry organization called, "Hope Missions Ministries". It will eventually become a non profit, but for right now me and a group of peers are leading it by going out and ministering to those in the Nashville area. So, as you can tell, I have not even thought of resting since my return. I want to be so in love with God that it literally takes the breath out of me.
I know that at this moment, I will not let Satan gain control. He knows my heart for missions across the waters and will do anything in his power to ruin it for me. So instead of bowing to the evil one and wallowing in sadness while I am home, I will take this opportunity to take my bucket to the waters edge and be filled up by Christ so that when I go back (in 5 months) to my home, I will have enough of God to fill the hearts of those who are broken. Just because I left my heart in the Dominican, doesn't mean I left my God. He is my everything! He is my right now, my today, my tonight, my tomorrow, MY LIFE! And I will not fall, I will not collapse! I will not submit to failure or to doubt, or to depression for my God is so much bigger than that! He has a will and plan for my life and I need time to be filled up so that I may take my bucket full of water and distribute it to those who have become thirsty.
Romans 15:13
New International Version (NIV)
13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Saying goodbye.
Time is almost up for me here. With three days left I look back at to who I was three days before I arrived. I was full of fear, anxiety, and doubts about what my time here would be like. I look at where I am now and am so greatful I took a step onto the plane. Not only am I returning home without fear or anxiety, but I am going home with a renewed relationship with both God and my family. We have just skyped and talked on the phone, but by just doing that we have grown closer and mended old wounds that have distanced ourselves from each other. When you do what God calls you to do he seems to bless you.. and then some.
With three days approaching, I have had to say some goodbyes that have broken me to the core. When you spend everyday with people for two months, they become closer than you could ever imagine. The hardest thing for me is having to say goodbye to the children. Parents, I now understand the bond you have for your children and why you worry about them so much. These kids have become family and to have to let go and leave them for a very long time has brought so much pain to my heart because to not be in the know of what they are doing or if their parents are actually caring for them or if they are hanging out with the wrong type of friends scares me. That is one thing I have to learn to be at peace with. I have to have peace with the fact that I am leaving them not knowing if they are going to be okay. and it hurts 10x more when they hold onto you begging you not to leave them. Although it hasn´t hit me that I won´t be seeing the faces of the children I have grown so close to everyday, I´m sure it will when I wake up and notice that I´m a country away from them and that I won´t be going to visit them everyday.
I´m going to miss walking into the neighborhood and having Tato and Miguel jump into my arms and them bursting out into contagious laughter after I start tickling them. I´m going to miss those long hugs Andrecia gives me when she sees me. I´m going to miss sitting with Enrique as he lays in my lap and looks up at me smiling with his crooked teeth. I´m going to miss Julie calling me crazy every five minutes. I´m going to miss little David punching and kicking me. I´m going to miss Nino sitting next to me and not getting on my shoulders, but quickly climbing on top of me when kids aren´t looking. I´m going to miss Carlito asking me loads of questions. I´m going to miss when Angelica Maria runs quietly behind me and places my arm around her. I´m going to miss Angel Manuel and how he acts cool around his friends but runs up and hugs me when his friends leave. I am going to miss all those days when I would walk into the market with Junior and Heremiah and have icecream with them as they joked about hooking me up with a Dominican girlfriend.I have grown to memorize what these kids are like and what makes them both happy and sad. They each have a special place in my heart and I thank God that they were placed before me.
Thank you! Thank you! thank you! to those who made it possible for me to be here. A special thanks to my parents for believing in me and encouraging me throughout these two months. Thank you to Mallory, Elora, Papa K, and Stephanie for witnessing to me through your walk in Christ. Thank you Mrs. Marie, Taylor, Jordan, Mrs. Annette, and whoever else donated supplies for me to hand out to the poor here. And a big thank you to my Savior for holding my hand every step of the way. This will be my last post for a while so thank you to those who have been following and sharing my blog :) love you guys!
With three days approaching, I have had to say some goodbyes that have broken me to the core. When you spend everyday with people for two months, they become closer than you could ever imagine. The hardest thing for me is having to say goodbye to the children. Parents, I now understand the bond you have for your children and why you worry about them so much. These kids have become family and to have to let go and leave them for a very long time has brought so much pain to my heart because to not be in the know of what they are doing or if their parents are actually caring for them or if they are hanging out with the wrong type of friends scares me. That is one thing I have to learn to be at peace with. I have to have peace with the fact that I am leaving them not knowing if they are going to be okay. and it hurts 10x more when they hold onto you begging you not to leave them. Although it hasn´t hit me that I won´t be seeing the faces of the children I have grown so close to everyday, I´m sure it will when I wake up and notice that I´m a country away from them and that I won´t be going to visit them everyday.
I´m going to miss walking into the neighborhood and having Tato and Miguel jump into my arms and them bursting out into contagious laughter after I start tickling them. I´m going to miss those long hugs Andrecia gives me when she sees me. I´m going to miss sitting with Enrique as he lays in my lap and looks up at me smiling with his crooked teeth. I´m going to miss Julie calling me crazy every five minutes. I´m going to miss little David punching and kicking me. I´m going to miss Nino sitting next to me and not getting on my shoulders, but quickly climbing on top of me when kids aren´t looking. I´m going to miss Carlito asking me loads of questions. I´m going to miss when Angelica Maria runs quietly behind me and places my arm around her. I´m going to miss Angel Manuel and how he acts cool around his friends but runs up and hugs me when his friends leave. I am going to miss all those days when I would walk into the market with Junior and Heremiah and have icecream with them as they joked about hooking me up with a Dominican girlfriend.I have grown to memorize what these kids are like and what makes them both happy and sad. They each have a special place in my heart and I thank God that they were placed before me.
Thank you! Thank you! thank you! to those who made it possible for me to be here. A special thanks to my parents for believing in me and encouraging me throughout these two months. Thank you to Mallory, Elora, Papa K, and Stephanie for witnessing to me through your walk in Christ. Thank you Mrs. Marie, Taylor, Jordan, Mrs. Annette, and whoever else donated supplies for me to hand out to the poor here. And a big thank you to my Savior for holding my hand every step of the way. This will be my last post for a while so thank you to those who have been following and sharing my blog :) love you guys!
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Carry your Cross
We were sitting on the bus on our way to a batay when me and Marcos came across a man literally carrying a cross down the highway. I laughed a bit at first at how ironic the situation was, but then I began to really process what I saw. What does it really mean to carry our cross?
In Matthew 16:24-25 it says,
¨Then Jesus said to His disciples, if any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. ¨
I have read this verse over and over again wondering if I am really carrying my cross, or if I am just dragging it on the ground behind me... There is a big difference between calling yourself a christian and being a follower of Christ. Am I risking myself for the love of Christ as Stephen did when he was martyred? Am I sacraficing everything to live for Christ like Job did when he lost his family, crops, and had boils all over his body? Am I being as open about my God as John the Baptist was? And most of all, am I carrying that cross that my savior was nailed to? I am giving 100%?
I know that right now I might never do enough, but I won´t ever stop trying. I want to push myself for Christ, give until my wallet hurts, test my limits, go to the places where happiness is scarce. Living life being 100% with my faith is who I wish to be seen as. One of the most uplifting things about being down here is having that constant reminder of what it means to carry your cross.
I see it in the 14 year old girl who is taking that 30% chance of living through her surgery on Tuesday. I see it in the teenager who got his arm cut off by a machete yet still goes to church every sunday to worship the God who prevented him from having both removed. I see it in the 70 year old woman living in a Hatian Batay who although is mentally challnged, led her husband to Christ and leads worship every time there is a service.
To have a constant reminder that carrying your cross is worth every ounce of struggle gives me reassurance that All of this work I have been doing these past two months, no matter how little it has seemed, will lead others to pick up their cross as well; and when it seems as if my cross has become too heavy, I have a savior who I can lean on.
In Matthew 16:24-25 it says,
¨Then Jesus said to His disciples, if any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. ¨
I have read this verse over and over again wondering if I am really carrying my cross, or if I am just dragging it on the ground behind me... There is a big difference between calling yourself a christian and being a follower of Christ. Am I risking myself for the love of Christ as Stephen did when he was martyred? Am I sacraficing everything to live for Christ like Job did when he lost his family, crops, and had boils all over his body? Am I being as open about my God as John the Baptist was? And most of all, am I carrying that cross that my savior was nailed to? I am giving 100%?
I know that right now I might never do enough, but I won´t ever stop trying. I want to push myself for Christ, give until my wallet hurts, test my limits, go to the places where happiness is scarce. Living life being 100% with my faith is who I wish to be seen as. One of the most uplifting things about being down here is having that constant reminder of what it means to carry your cross.
I see it in the 14 year old girl who is taking that 30% chance of living through her surgery on Tuesday. I see it in the teenager who got his arm cut off by a machete yet still goes to church every sunday to worship the God who prevented him from having both removed. I see it in the 70 year old woman living in a Hatian Batay who although is mentally challnged, led her husband to Christ and leads worship every time there is a service.
To have a constant reminder that carrying your cross is worth every ounce of struggle gives me reassurance that All of this work I have been doing these past two months, no matter how little it has seemed, will lead others to pick up their cross as well; and when it seems as if my cross has become too heavy, I have a savior who I can lean on.
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