Selfless Christmas, Selfless Christianity

Every year, it has been the same for just about everyone. Christmas break hits and that means sleeping in, praying that you receive what you wanted for Christmas, Acknowledging God for a split second on his birthday, and stuffing your face with festive goods that will throw you in such a guilt that you make a new years resolution to run it all off only to give up two weeks down the road. And this continues to happen over and over and over again. And your children do it, and their children do it, and so on and so on and so on.... 

I woke up this morning with that very mentality. I had just spent weeks stressing and cramming for midterm exams, and all I wanted to think about was sleeping in. I woke up to a text reminding me that today was the day my ministry group visits the communities in East Nashville to give away coats and presents to those who can't afford such things. To be honest, I tried my hardest to get out of going. I was tired, it was raining, and the last thing I wanted to do was stand out in the rain and serve people who didn't say thank you and gave me evil looks. But every single excuse turned into a resolution. "My parents won't let me go without an adult." "oh," chimed my friend Allison. "Well, our Bible teacher said she could go." 

So I stomped out of bed and slowly drove my way to the Edge hill community. As we were handing out coats - Me, Ms. Trotter, and Isaac - I began to step back and realize that my attitude was in no way following up with the type of person I was proclaiming to be. In Colossians 3: 14-17 it states, "14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." 

What was I thinking? Who was I to be frustrated with how my day was going? I should be joyful, loving, and an exact resemblance with how Christ lived when He walked this earth. And above all else, it was Christmas. A holiday of not just giving, but of sacrificing. This season, God sent a savior in the form of a child who grew up only to die in our place. Why should I, after hearing that, spend any second being sluggish and iffy about spreading the love of God to those struggling to simply love themselves. 

After realizing the importance of how my day could have played out, I received a call about a struggling family who lost their mother in a car wreck. I was asked to visit with the family who lived in East Nashville, next to the Maple wood area, and tell them that our church family was going to help them. As we entered the home, a strong stench of urine reeked the place. There were bugs scrambling left and right. They have three living in the small house, 1 of them being a grandmother who is very ill and a little boy who is only 4 years old. the youngest child shares a bed with the oldest son. Every night the child pees in the bed and both continue to sleep in it due to not having anywhere else to lay their head. 

Looking back at my morning at how my mood was, how my attitude was towards the day that lay ahead (only because I wanted to sleep in), guilt resided over me. What happened to living that selfless walk Landon? What happened to spending yourself for the weak and broken hearted? God opened my eyes tonight. More so, God broke my heart in places that needed to be broken. To me, holidays are filled with comfort and family while others are burying their loved ones along with their Christmas. 

Please remember as you go about your holidays that maybe the gift your hoping for, isn't something you really need. Or that money your saving up to buy a gift for your significant other, could go towards buying a family a decent bed to sleep in without waking up the next morning reeking of bodily fluids. Remember that Christ first loved us, so we should also love one another. I love you all and have a very merry Christmas. 

Giving away coats to children and adults

The faces of joy.. utter, raw joy

Brokenness aside

Tonight, I became broken. Tonight, I reached the end of my rope. Tonight, it was hard to see the bright side of things or any hint that things would get better. Tonight, I was lost. I know it may be hard for some of you to understand how close I am to my boys back in the Dominican Republic, but let me just tell you this. When i see a photo of them, I tear up. When I dream about them (which has been every night for the past week) I wake up crying. When other children laugh or smile around me, it feels as if they are actually sitting right next to me. I go throughout my day battling tears and tackling with letting misery take over my heart. I would be lying if I said I don't worry. I would be lying if I said I haven't grown angry with God over the last couple of months. The only way I can seem to put my heart and struggle into words is that this...is...hard.

why why why is all I can seem to ask God. Why am I here? Why do I dream about my boys? Why can't I just go and never come back. Why don't people understand? Why don't I understand? Why don't you understand? Why are you letting this happen to me? Why is it that I can sleep comfortably at night with a full stomach yet my boys have to go cold and hungry? why...why...why...

I don't know why this is happening, and I don't know what is going on with my kids back in the DR, but what I have come to know is that these issues are for God to take care of, not me. I don't need to know all the answers. In due time, God will reveal to me what needs to be revealed. In due time God will place my boys in my arms, but until then I need to praise Him in my weakness. I need to trust Him in my times of trouble. I need not to doubt for it is foolish to have trust issues with God. I need patience and understanding. I need His word. I need Jesus!

All of this has become unbearable and heart breaking, but all of this has also taught me that brokenness aside, God is who He says He is and He will take care of His children. Including me and the ones that have stolen my heart.

Psalms 34:18,
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Help Carlito go to school!

Abba, I belong to You!

A month ago, I asked God to break me. I wanted to test my faith. I desired to be stretched for Christ. I was sick and tired of reading about people in the Bible who died, cried, and gave up literally everything for the same God that I talked about and lived for so casually. And God being the God He is, did just that. He stretched me, broke me, and ripped my heart wide open. It happened so fast that I was unable to process what was happening. 

From two failed history tests, three late papers, and a D in history, to a speeding ticket and insomnia kicking back in, I began to feel completely and utterly hopeless. In my immediate anger, I released everything I could on my parents, friends, siblings, and myself. And Some people always point to girls when the word insecurity arises, but man.... I don't think I have ever felt so insecure about what people thought about me. I told myself everyday how dumb I was, how awkward I was, and how I would never come up to the standards I assumed my parents set for me. I created so many unreal scenarios inside my head that caused me to forget who the true healer of all pains, worries, and trials was. My Abba. 

I believe God allowed the world around me to seem caved in so that I would run back into His arms. Truth is, Him and I both knew I was growing distant. I became so infatuated with serving others that I forgot to make time to let My Daddy hold me. I started out with this huge bucket of water and I was to stubborn to realize that my once full to the brim basin was now dried out. I needed to be replenished. 

On Wednesday, I walked into my first worship service in weeks. I came in carrying all of my baggage and as the music began to play, my back grew heavier and heavier. I want to seem strong. I want to seem like I have this life figured out. I want to be able to have it all together. I don't want to be this failure who can't carry his own weight, but what I had forgotten to realize is that some of this weight isn't mine to carry. If it was then there would be no reason to have God look His only son in the eyes and say, "I want you to die for these children.... For my children." 

As the music made its way into my heart the spirit caused me to fall on my knees. Never in my entire life have I fallen to my knees. I have raised my hands, cried my eyes out, and shouted out His name on the top of my lungs, but never have my legs bent and crumbled under me. Well, on that day of worship my whole body grew weary. It was time to just surrender. It was time to let go and have my Poppa hold me again. 

God broke me. He tore me open. And if that's what it takes to get me to notice that my Father is never ever ever going to let me take on this world alone, then I ask that it happens over and over again. 

" I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. " - John 16:33

" Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. " - Matthew 11:28

Big Brother

When I was little, my father told me to always look after my sister. From that moment on I did just that. When she would ride her bike, I rode behind her. From the moment We started a new school until she graduated, I made sure she was okay everyday and that no one could hurt her. It was as if I had a job to do and that was to watch after one of the most important beings in my entire life. Well, now as she is off to college, she will be searching eventually for a man to take my place. So my job should be over..... It's not.

5 years ago, me and my family began a process that is still roughly happening. And that decision we made was adoption. 2 years passed and we finally got the name. Amrita. Not too long after that we received our first picture. Her eyes and smile stuck out to me more than anything. As I looked at her, I began to discover who would soon take the position of my now grown up sister. This little 3 year old bundle of happiness would soon be in my arms, but there is a problem. We keep having to wait as our missing family member is all the way across the world in India, The mother to prostitution and sex slavery. It is also home to the often practiced religion called Hinduism. 

I used to pray that we would get her home so that she could be ours, but it has become a battle within my heart because I now long for her to know that she is God's. Her hair has to be kept short so no men take her away and place her into brothels. She is being forced to wear ritual clothing and participate in the worship of the Hindu gods. We were strictly told to not share with anyone what religion we practice because she would be taken away from us. Do you know how hard it is to get on skype with her and not be able to tell her how much Jesus loves her? I now am starting to realize that at this moment, I can't protect her like I did with my older sister. I can't stand in the corner as she goes about her day. I can't protect her from boys and men who hunger to take her body. This is not my job. It has become solely Gods. 

I have had to come to terms that God created her, placed her where she is, and also placed her in our life for a reason. I do not know this reason right now, but it is not my job to search for answers. My job is however to love and trust God through this. My sister may be in a country that is ready to steal, kill, and destroy, but I worship a God who has been holding her in His arms since she drew her first breath. All me and my family have to do is wait and pray as this long process of adoption continues. I always need to be reminded how scripture tells us that we will have troubles, and pains, and hardships, but to be in peace and not worry for God has overcome all of this. And not only has he overcome what lies within the world, but He has overcome the world entirely! 

my beautiful Amrita

Dancing in a storm

Everyday is a struggle. I would be lying if I said that it isn't. Once you have crossed over into a place that is deprived of a father's love and suddenly are the source of a child's hunger for someone to hold them, love them, and comfort them, things are never the same. I think about each of my boys everyday. I miss their laughter, their touch, and even their heartbeats against my chest. And most importantly, I miss sitting down with them and witnessing to them about a God who has them held against His chest everyday and has memorized every detail about how their heart functions. I also need to remember that God knows the same about me. 

This pain has taken away the realization that God has the same type of pain. He looks at me, you, and hurts every minute knowing that we will face temptation, hurt, agonizing heartbreak, and sadness. He wants us so badly to be home and in His arms, but He has placed his children on this earth for a very important reason. You see, on the road to a perfect life in Him, we got lost and some of us still haven't found our way back to Him. He called me here so that due to the fact that I know and love a God who gave everything to be in relationship with me, I need to make it known among the broken and the tired and those who have become downcast that He has not abandoned them!! He wants them more than anything! He longs just for them to see His face again. 

THAT is why I am here. THAT is why I have sacrificed college! THAT is why I have sacrificed a future social life. THAT is why I have sacrificed the ability to have a worldly success, a future opportunity to have a high paying job, and the American dream that everyone so longs for. Because He died for me, I shall live for Him until I give out my last breath within this earth. Proverbs 13:7 says, "There is one who makes himself rich, yet has nothing. And one who makes himself poor, yet has great riches."

I did not waste 16 years of my life only to waste another. A life indulged in Christ does not begin when you enter adulthood. It does not begin when everyone thinks you have it all together. It doesn't begin when you receive a college degree or get married or have your first child. A new life in Christ begins the moment you surrender your life unto His! That is the whole point of becoming a Christian and getting baptized! Once you have accepted Christ into your life, it is time to get other people to do the same. Once you have become aware that you yourself will see God in heaven, that is the very moment where you take the broken road to save others from falling down.

So yes, everyday is a struggle. But is a struggle worth fighting through. Every time I wake up and know that I am not awaking to the laughter of my kids, I endure the heartache simply because I haven't traveled so far to fall. Everyday that I am told that what I am doing isn't right, I fight against temptation to prove that This is the one battle I refuse to lose. Every moment Satan tries to let anger and depression linger into my thoughts, I rebuke his name for the sole purpose to show that my God is greater and is carrying me all the way through this. Every trial! Every obstacle! Every single freaking mountain is SO WORTH IT because THIS IS WHAT GOD HAS CALLED ME TO DO!!!!! I praise Him in this storm so that one day I can teach my kids back in the Dominican how to dance in a hurricane that is using all its might to tear their walls down.

You called me out upon the waters

I dream about them when I am asleep. I dream about them when I am awake. I see them while watching  children at my school and church run and play. I see them when I am listening to music that talks about going out and reaching the lost. I see them every...single...day. But the thing is, I can't walk with them. I can't hug them, kiss them on the forehead, read the Bible to them, laugh with them, or run with them. I can't see their face, hear their voice, or feel their warmth as they jump into my arms. And I miss them deeply. I would give anything at this point to even hear the voice of my boys. 

It has been one month and 9 days since I have returned from the Dominican Republic , and it has felt like years to me. Although I could sit in my own pile of misery, I however will use this longing to minister to children as fuel to reach the ones that live around me. Life since my return has been anything but a walk in the park! I have been busily working to begin a movement within my own town. I am now a student leader at my school that helps guide others by being an example of Christ. I am a helper at my church's children's ministry and I also have begun a ministry organization called, "Hope Missions Ministries". It will eventually become a non profit, but for right now me and a group of peers are leading it by going out and ministering to those in the Nashville area. So, as you can tell, I have not even thought of resting since my return. I want to be so in love with God that it literally takes the breath out of me.

I know that at this moment, I will not let Satan gain control. He knows my heart for missions across the waters and will do anything in his power to ruin it for me. So instead of bowing to the evil one and wallowing in sadness while I am home, I will take this opportunity to take my bucket to the waters edge and be filled up by Christ so that when I go back (in 5 months) to my home, I will have enough of God to fill the hearts of those who are broken. Just because I left my heart in the Dominican, doesn't mean I left my God. He is my everything! He is my right now, my today, my tonight, my tomorrow, MY LIFE! And I will not fall, I will not collapse! I will not submit to failure or to doubt, or to depression for my God is so much bigger than that! He has a will and plan for my life and I need time to be filled up so that I may take my bucket full of water and distribute it to those who have become thirsty. 

Romans 15:13

New International Version (NIV)

13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.