Thursday, November 14, 2013

Abba, I belong to You!

A month ago, I asked God to break me. I wanted to test my faith. I desired to be stretched for Christ. I was sick and tired of reading about people in the Bible who died, cried, and gave up literally everything for the same God that I talked about and lived for so casually. And God being the God He is, did just that. He stretched me, broke me, and ripped my heart wide open. It happened so fast that I was unable to process what was happening. 

From two failed history tests, three late papers, and a D in history, to a speeding ticket and insomnia kicking back in, I began to feel completely and utterly hopeless. In my immediate anger, I released everything I could on my parents, friends, siblings, and myself. And Some people always point to girls when the word insecurity arises, but man.... I don't think I have ever felt so insecure about what people thought about me. I told myself everyday how dumb I was, how awkward I was, and how I would never come up to the standards I assumed my parents set for me. I created so many unreal scenarios inside my head that caused me to forget who the true healer of all pains, worries, and trials was. My Abba. 

I believe God allowed the world around me to seem caved in so that I would run back into His arms. Truth is, Him and I both knew I was growing distant. I became so infatuated with serving others that I forgot to make time to let My Daddy hold me. I started out with this huge bucket of water and I was to stubborn to realize that my once full to the brim basin was now dried out. I needed to be replenished. 

On Wednesday, I walked into my first worship service in weeks. I came in carrying all of my baggage and as the music began to play, my back grew heavier and heavier. I want to seem strong. I want to seem like I have this life figured out. I want to be able to have it all together. I don't want to be this failure who can't carry his own weight, but what I had forgotten to realize is that some of this weight isn't mine to carry. If it was then there would be no reason to have God look His only son in the eyes and say, "I want you to die for these children.... For my children." 

As the music made its way into my heart the spirit caused me to fall on my knees. Never in my entire life have I fallen to my knees. I have raised my hands, cried my eyes out, and shouted out His name on the top of my lungs, but never have my legs bent and crumbled under me. Well, on that day of worship my whole body grew weary. It was time to just surrender. It was time to let go and have my Poppa hold me again. 

God broke me. He tore me open. And if that's what it takes to get me to notice that my Father is never ever ever going to let me take on this world alone, then I ask that it happens over and over again. 

" I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. " - John 16:33

" Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. " - Matthew 11:28