Brokenness aside

Tonight, I became broken. Tonight, I reached the end of my rope. Tonight, it was hard to see the bright side of things or any hint that things would get better. Tonight, I was lost. I know it may be hard for some of you to understand how close I am to my boys back in the Dominican Republic, but let me just tell you this. When i see a photo of them, I tear up. When I dream about them (which has been every night for the past week) I wake up crying. When other children laugh or smile around me, it feels as if they are actually sitting right next to me. I go throughout my day battling tears and tackling with letting misery take over my heart. I would be lying if I said I don't worry. I would be lying if I said I haven't grown angry with God over the last couple of months. The only way I can seem to put my heart and struggle into words is that this...is...hard.

why why why is all I can seem to ask God. Why am I here? Why do I dream about my boys? Why can't I just go and never come back. Why don't people understand? Why don't I understand? Why don't you understand? Why are you letting this happen to me? Why is it that I can sleep comfortably at night with a full stomach yet my boys have to go cold and hungry? why...why...why...

I don't know why this is happening, and I don't know what is going on with my kids back in the DR, but what I have come to know is that these issues are for God to take care of, not me. I don't need to know all the answers. In due time, God will reveal to me what needs to be revealed. In due time God will place my boys in my arms, but until then I need to praise Him in my weakness. I need to trust Him in my times of trouble. I need not to doubt for it is foolish to have trust issues with God. I need patience and understanding. I need His word. I need Jesus!

All of this has become unbearable and heart breaking, but all of this has also taught me that brokenness aside, God is who He says He is and He will take care of His children. Including me and the ones that have stolen my heart.

Psalms 34:18,
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.